REQUIEM FOR THE 2008 BUFFALO BILLS SEASON

Today, I watched the end of a movie during the first quarter of the Buffalo Bills game. If you had told me during the beginning of the year, when I was salivating for Bills preseason games, that I would skip over the first quarter of any game I would have kicked my own ass. But there I was, watching the end of The Lives of Others (Highly recommended by the way, incredible flick) while J.P. Losman was praying for fifty-yard bombs and hand-offs just a remote click away. Last week, hope was dead. Today, the season was.

This Requiem has five parts.



Part 1: Ralph Wilson.
- Not only did you say your team has no talent just a few weeks ago (You own the team, dicksmack!) when pressed by reporters about yesterday’s results you had enough heart for a joke: A small group of reporters asked 90-year-old Bills owner Ralph Wilson how Sunday's game might affect Jauron's job. "I think I should get back into the insurance business!" Wilson replied. Hey Ralph, you know what type of insurance you should invest in? Pant insurance, you big ole’ pant pooper. What happened to your comments about talent when the team was 5-1? Stop acting like you already sold us off to the Canucks, Benedict Arnold bastard.



Part 2: The Android that is Dick Jauron.
I truly believe the only thing that can alter Dick Jauron’s emotional landscape is the glee he feels at the end of the season. This guy’s more excited for January than George Bush. If you ran a slide show of Dick Jauron’s reactions to major historical events you would think the planet has been stuck in nuclear oblivion for the past forty years. He’s like the guy in Saving Private Ryan who gets his arm blown off, picks it up nonchalantly, and walks away. The scariest part about Dick’s frozen face is that he constantly looks more confused about play choice than the fans do.
Truth is, I shouldn’t be complaining, because when he does attempt a smile…



IT’S THE SCARIEST THING EVER. I’d rather be stuck in a room with the melting man from RoboCop than this creep smiling.

You know what else is scary, looking like you’ve had ten hours of sleep before every single game. Hey Dick, ever heard of watching tape, studying up on your opponents, or cutting back on sleep to prep for a big game? Or does that get in the way of your freshmen incollege ten hour a night sleep shift.


Part 3: JP Losman
- I probably shouldn’t put that much emphasis on JP, after all, if Trent had stayed healthy he’d still be that douche on the sidelines trying to look engaged. But it blows my mind that the man is only able to convert completions of forty plus yards. It might have to do with his habit of sneering, “chicks dig the long ball” before he heaves up another pile of shit. The only reason the long ball works with JP is because it puts the play in somebody else’s hand. I’ve seen him throw too many passes with his eyes clinched and arm slung all the way back to believe he has anything to do with those Lee Evans bombs besides putting it out there.

Part 4: Trent Edwards
- Trent Edwards is like a beautiful woman made of ice. The more I embrace him, the more he fades away.

Part 5: Marshawn Lynch and Freddy Jackson
- You’d be hard pressed to find anybody that works as hard as this running duo. I like that Marshawn did one of those “Hey, it’s my fault that the offense sucks” when he’s been doing just about everything. A lot of people have a hard time giving Marshawn the credit he deserves as a preeminent talent in the NFL, and it might have to do with this. But the days of denying Beast Mode are over, he’s here to stay. Like all fine requiems, these two are the glimmer of hope that suggest an afterlife.

Favorite moments of the game –
- 1)Fred Jackson running through 4 (literally) jets Defensive players into the endzone and making me feel bad for watching the end of a movie during the first quarter. 2) Shaun Ellis scooping up JP’s fumble when we were throwing on 2nd down with the lead and 3 minutes left? 3) Coming back on the field pass happy again so that JP can throw another interception 4) or JP’s 70 yard interception, a bomb in the endzone to nobody, beautifully summing up his career. Of course all of this won’t matter as soon as I look up JP post game footage and get to listen to his hilarious voice.


There are a few things I’m sure of regarding this season –

- Dick Jauron already has tickets for opening night of “Bedtime Stories.”

- If there’s anything that has pained me more than the Bills play during games this season it’s commercials for The Mentalist, a one hour crime drama on CBS that distinguishes itself from the 14 other CBS one hour crime dramas with a sneering blonde douche bag star who might, or might not, use psychic powers to solve mysteries! I bet there’s a wild back-story to why he’s decided to use his psychic powers for the good of the local police department. What? You don’t say! His family was murdered, and he’s seeking justice! How clever! Seriously that premise is one notch above porn, which is where this actor should be in the first place. A word of advice Mentalist, anybody can lean over burned bodies, say “must’ve read the wrong recipe” and have it come across as sarcastic.
I hate actors, in fact I consider them the least intelligent people in the world, and the NFL provides great justification for this way of thinking, observe. Who are the dumbest people in NFL history: Terry Bradshaw, Tony Siragusa, and O.J. Simpson. What do they all have in common, they’ve had “professional” acting gigs in movies (rumor has it Bradshaw was reluctant to join the cast of the Sarah Jessica Parker vehicle “Failure to Launch” because he was nervous about working with his child hood idol, Mr. Ed (AYOO!). When everybody was so shocked O.J. killed his ex wife and that other guy (wasn’t he an actor too? Probably, he was dumb enough to fuck with O.J.) I wasn’t that amazed. He was a star in a game that’s based on violence, and some of that attitude, especially with unintelligent people, probably carries over into real life. But watch O.J. save the lives of hundreds of babies in the beginning of Naked Gun 33 1/3 and you will praise Johnnie Cochran as the Saint of Justice. Guess what TO said he wanted to be if he wasn’t in the NFL, an actor.
Oh yeah, back to CBS and The Mentalist, another reason I’m so pissed about it is that it topped the weekly Nielson Ratings recently. That’s right America, you’ve made a show with the description “A mentalist turned private investigator uses his skills to help the police,” the most popular show in the country. I suppose it could be worse.


- This years Dallas Cowboys team could be the most unlikable team in the history of sports. I'd root for a team made up of Michael Vick’s family members over Romo and co. The best part about this whole “Witten and Romo are best friends and make plays for each other in secret away from T.O.” story is that I couldn’t have come up with it in my most audacious and exaggerated insults.

-Bill's fans are still the best in the NFL for putting up with this shit, again.

By the way, guy on the preowned BMW commercial who makes his daughter’s boyfriend/fiancé/husband figure sleep in the attic. Consider this, if he wasn’t dating your daughter he’d probably have enough money to buy a new BMW and not have to settle for that pre-owned shit, destroying your friendly argument that sends him to a separate room in the first place.

But anyways its unfortunately that time of the year for me, when I have to put my interest towards other NFL games because my team is “mathematically eliminated from the playoffs” for the ninth season in a row. Does it suck? Of Course. Am I used to it? Yeah, but not like this. A 5-1 start followed by a 1-7 streak is like getting food poisoning from the best steak you’ve ever had.

But, I’m a Bills fan. I’ll eat that shit every year.