Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Coldplay - Viva La Innovation


ON A RAINY LONDON evening last January, perched high above the wet and crowded city streets in his 30th floor Trafalgar Square loft, Chris Martin takes a sip of espresso and stares helplessly at his computer screen. He’s having problems with a sequence from “Lost!”, a dynamite track on his band Coldplay’s recently-released disc, Viva la Vida or Death and All His Friends. Martin can’t decide whether he likes a certain guitar riff a minute into the track; there’s also the issue of the bass drum sounding too cluttered, and the violins sounding flat. Martin sighs and takes another sip of espresso. He has been analyzing the same fifteen second sequence for almost three hours.

Martin turns to his young daughter, Apple, playing with a toy across the room. He smiles faintly. “Look at her,” he says to me. “She’s more precious than gold.”

***

One could certainly say that again. Though there is something else to which you could apply Martin’s loving description of his daughter as superior to gold, something perhaps even more beautiful, more breathtaking, and more precious – and I’m not referring to his darling celebrity wife, Gwenyth. Viva la Vida, Coldplay’s fourth studio album, is without a doubt its most tickling to date.

The brilliant la Vida serves to usher in a different kind of Coldplay. Liberated from their self-imposed pressure to innovate, they sound – for the first time in ages – user-friendly. It’s true that we’ve come to expect a certain level of genius from this band, but when they actually exceed expectations, as they do here, it’s a clear sign that Coldplay will continue to reinvent themselves and drop more jaws along the way.

This album feels not so much as a statement of where the band has come from, but more of where they’re going. It feels big, open, and alone, like you are listening in on something you shouldn’t hear. All of it rocks; none of it sounds like any other band on earth. It delivers an emotional punch that proves all other rock stars owe Coldplay an apology.

The most heartening thing about Viva la Vida, besides the fact that it may represent the strongest collection of songs assembled by any English band over the past decade, is that it ventures into new emotional territories. On the record, Martin soulfully attempts to come to grips with the suckling insecurity that accompanies worldwide fame – and he uses some slick water metaphors to express it: “You might be a big fish in a little pond/Doesn’t mean you’ve won”, he croons on “Lost!”. Martin conveys longing feelings for loved ones on a handful of tracks, presumably for his wife Gwenyth, though possibly for his children, Apple and Moses, or other relatives. On the ballad “Strawberry Swing”, he throws his convictions about the sky to the wayside, all in the name of love: “Could be blue/I don’t mind/without you it’s a waste of time/Could be blue/could be grey/without you I’m just miles away”.

Maybe Viva la Vida is Martin’s life – settling into things, creating permanence. If so, we may miss the anger and the striving and the discovery that comes as a result (think X & Y). But for now, we can enjoy the beauty of Martin understanding his identity and the craftsmanship that lies in comfort. This album proves itself to be what we all thought Coldplay couldn’t make again: a masterpiece. And thank goodness the bass drum isn't cluttered.

-Theriot

R. Kelly Acquitted on All Counts.

I know this is old news, but it still makes me smile every morning. What would I do if I couldn't hear lyrics like "So don't trip, I got a giant rocket/Glidin' through just hittin' your pocket." or "Girl I promise this will be painless, painless/ we'll take a trip to planet Uranus."
R. Kelly Lyrics
sex Planet Lyrics
Another new favorite "Baby we are like coconut and banana trees/tropical chemistry."

-The Loosh

Who is King Douche?


My hate for Papelbon runs deep. It’s the type of hatred that could drive a lesser man to murder. Why? You ask. Well it could be the Riverdance episode(s) that make people laugh for a reason I am still trying to discover (A baseball closer dancing an Irish jig? That doesn’t match! – finishes frosting tips and chuckles-). It could also be the way he celebrated after winning the’07 Series; insincere over celebration drives me fucking crazy (i.e. A-Rod if anybody on the Yankees but him hits a home run.) Or perhaps, it was when he changed into an Irish kilt for the “Red Sox Rally” to do the same Irish jig for a third time (It’s on a Costanza “That’s got to hurt!” level of pathetic.) I’ve tried several times to show how putrid of an individual Jonathan Papelbon is. However, I gave up, knowing it would take the likes of a Keats or Frost to properly express such hatred. But then, a light! A close friend, who shared similar frustrations, nailed a comparison that will end any discussion of the merits of a Jonathan C. Papelbon: He looks identical to that professional douche from The Hills, Spencer Sofuckinghappyidontknowhislastname. In fact, they look so similar I can’t tell the difference between these assholes unless Red Sox hats or Lauren Conrad annoying skanks are involved.
- The Loosh


































Monday, July 7, 2008

Intolerable Shit Vol.1 Beverly Hills by Weezer

Beverly Hills by Weezer

I realize I should probably revisit Weezer’s Beverly Hills before I write this so I can pick out specific things worth mentioning. But that would mean listening to the song again, which is out of the question. Here are some things that particularly chap my ass:

Ass chapper number one, the stupid bass drum “duh duh” beat. You get paid millions of dollars to come up with that? How about your responsibility to poor assholes like me who will end up hearing this song seventy times against their will. I know that record companies screw over artists all the time, and they take more than they deserve, and wah wah. No fucking shit, look what you produce. Nobody would listen to this shit unless greedy pricks paid stations to put your miserable song on the radio.

Ass chapper number two, that “wah wah” guitar. You know what sucks? Peter Frampton's talk box. You know what sucks even more? Shitty renditions of Peter Frampton's talk box. This shit sounds like the maid from The Jetsons getting DP’d.

Ass chapper number three, the lyrics/message. This is when I knew you guys became talentless assholes. Oh wow you don’t belong in Beverly Hills, you don’t fit in with the rest of Hollywood, you’re just normal assholes like everyone else. How ironic! How daring! How fucking obvious. You know what also told us that, and in a subtle intelligent way, Pinkerton and the mother fucking Blue Album. “Beverly Hills,” is about as subtle as your rod getting chewed off by a Rottweiler. My cock sinks into my stomach when Rivers Cuomo just starts talking in the middle of the song, saying shit like "You know what, I just don't fit in," and the only way to bring it back out is by watching hardcore amateur pornography while listening to Gang of Four at full blast.

Ass chapper number four, the “gimme, gimme” sound effect after the chorus. I had to look up what this guest female member of Weezer says , and it just pissed me off even more when I found it was “gimme, gimme.” At first I thought it was gibberish, or Japanese, which would have complimented the rest of the song by being equally as fucktarted.

Ass chapper number five, the video. A bunch of nerds get to go to the Playboy mansion, sounds like a decent idea, if you’re an emo douche. Oh wait, Weezer is playing “Beverly Hills” while they’re there, the least clothes ripping, tongue sucking, booze guzzling rock and roll song ever. Sorry pricks, your .0001% chance of getting to first base with a playmate just got divided by 10 (.00001% fucknuts.)

Ass chapper number six, Weezer used to fucking rule. Have you listened to the Blue Album? 10 Perfect songs, and arguably one of the greatest closing numbers ever put on a record (“Only in Dreams”). Pinkerton, almost as good minus the ultra gay “Butterfly” at the end, and maybe “Getchoo,” which is the only song I even question passing over. I know Rivers Cuomo isn’t your “everyday rockstar,” and that he went to Harvard to study lit. Well here’s a one word review of Harvard’s lit program based on the only douche I know to come out of it: Dicksmack.

Remember that Buddy Holly video with characters from Happy Days? I watched that shit ten times a day, and do you know what I just realized, I fucking hate Happy Days. "Buddy Holly" was such a good song it made me like the trials and tribulations of a Richie Cunningham (Fuck you assholes that say "What do you mean? Happy Days ruled! Fonzi's the man!" He was a side character and there's no way you can remember any episode but Fonzi water skiing over the shark which is admittedly brilliant.) In the video Fonzi does a badass dance and leaves with two babes, Richie Cunningham gets put in his place by nerds as big as him, and Al asks them to "try the fish." It's genius. And that’s what Weezer used to be; geniuses that could make Fonzie dance so hard he’d leave with a threeway.

-The Loosh