Beverly Hills by WeezerI realize I should probably revisit Weezer’s Beverly Hills before I write this so I can pick out specific things worth mentioning. But that would mean listening to the song again, which is out of the question. Here are some things that particularly chap my ass:
Ass chapper number one, the stupid bass drum “duh duh” beat. You get paid millions of dollars to come up with that? How about your responsibility to poor assholes like me who will end up hearing this song seventy times against their will. I know that record companies screw over artists all the time, and they take more than they deserve, and wah wah. No fucking shit, look what you produce. Nobody would listen to this shit unless greedy pricks paid stations to put your miserable song on the radio.
Ass chapper number two, that “wah wah” guitar. You know what sucks? Peter Frampton's talk box. You know what sucks even more? Shitty renditions of Peter Frampton's talk box. This shit sounds like the maid from The Jetsons getting DP’d.
Ass chapper number three, the lyrics/message. This is when I knew you guys became talentless assholes. Oh wow you don’t belong in Beverly Hills, you don’t fit in with the rest of Hollywood, you’re just normal assholes like everyone else. How ironic! How daring! How fucking obvious. You know what also told us that, and in a subtle intelligent way, Pinkerton and the mother fucking Blue Album. “Beverly Hills,” is about as subtle as your rod getting chewed off by a Rottweiler. My cock sinks into my stomach when Rivers Cuomo just starts talking in the middle of the song, saying shit like "You know what, I just don't fit in," and the only way to bring it back out is by watching hardcore amateur pornography while listening to Gang of Four at full blast.
Ass chapper number four, the “gimme, gimme” sound effect after the chorus. I had to look up what this guest female member of Weezer says , and it just pissed me off even more when I found it was “gimme, gimme.” At first I thought it was gibberish, or Japanese, which would have complimented the rest of the song by being equally as fucktarted.
Ass chapper number five, the video. A bunch of nerds get to go to the Playboy mansion, sounds like a decent idea, if you’re an emo douche. Oh wait, Weezer is playing “Beverly Hills” while they’re there, the least clothes ripping, tongue sucking, booze guzzling rock and roll song ever. Sorry pricks, your .0001% chance of getting to first base with a playmate just got divided by 10 (.00001% fucknuts.)
Ass chapper number six, Weezer used to fucking rule. Have you listened to the Blue Album? 10 Perfect songs, and arguably one of the greatest closing numbers ever put on a record (“Only in Dreams”). Pinkerton, almost as good minus the ultra gay “Butterfly” at the end, and maybe “Getchoo,” which is the only song I even question passing over. I know Rivers Cuomo isn’t your “everyday rockstar,” and that he went to Harvard to study lit. Well here’s a one word review of Harvard’s lit program based on the only douche I know to come out of it: Dicksmack.
Remember that Buddy Holly video with characters from Happy Days? I watched that shit ten times a day, and do you know what I just realized, I fucking hate Happy Days. "Buddy Holly" was such a good song it made me like the trials and tribulations of a Richie Cunningham (Fuck you assholes that say "What do you mean? Happy Days ruled! Fonzi's the man!" He was a side character and there's no way you can remember any episode but Fonzi water skiing over the shark which is admittedly brilliant.) In the video Fonzi does a badass dance and leaves with two babes, Richie Cunningham gets put in his place by nerds as big as him, and Al asks them to "try the fish." It's genius. And that’s what Weezer used to be; geniuses that could make Fonzie dance so hard he’d leave with a threeway.
-The Loosh
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