“It’s Important to Have Standards” – The WHTP Critic Comparison Chart.

You would think, if you were a critic, the perfect score (10/10 or ****/****) would be your most valuable and sparsely used weapon. A blow to the American public that tells them “I know you don’t listen to a fucking word I say, ever, but please just this one time go see this movie/buy this album/watch this TV show.” However most critics take the perfect score and slab it on shit they merely enjoy (Roger Ebert recently became the king of this.)

In giving movies like “Iron Man” a perfect **** star review a critic fails to understand they are labeling something as up to par with flicks like “Goodfellas,” “Apocalypse Now,” “The Graduate,” and other untouchable masterpieces. That is what the perfect score is made for, untouchable masterpieces. WHTP has put together a list in an effort to clear the confusion caused by these brainless dick swappers. I am fairly confident this list expresses a ratings system the way it should be: with a five leaving you feeling the same way you felt before, a one leaving you pondering suicide, and a ten with a touch of heavenly perfection.

10- Being a professional baseball player or rock star (pending band). Beautiful women. Having your team win their respective championship. After winning the lottery you take a permanent honeymoon with a horned up Scarlet Johansson, in the Greek Isles, with an open bar on wheels following you every step of the way.
9- Having a Personal Chef. The ability to come up with Zach Morris like schemes. Rock and Roll. The end of “Thunder Road.” Dustin Hoffman in The Graduate. Anything BYOB. Kurt Vonnegut. Being Urkel and turning into Stefan. March Madness. Tailgating and going to your NFL or College Football teams game, live. College.
8- Christmas Eve/Christmas Morning. Lakes and the Ocean. Bokonism. Weed. The McFly children reappearing in their portrait. NFL Sundays. The Jeremy Shockey early celebration video. NHL ’93. Grilling, fireworks, or a bonfire with The Band playing in the background. A hungover steak and eggs session. Gob Bluth magic shows. Six game parlays that cost one dollar and pay out at 500k plus. Sports in October. Chicks on Halloween. Saturday 3:55 pm baseball games via bleachers. The Rocky Mountains.
7- Pools. Waking up and realizing you can sleep for five more hours (If you set your alarm for three in the morning to feel this way, like I do, it drops to a 6.5) A cool Dr. Money haircut. Pizza, Bar-be-que, and meatball or chicken parm sandwiches. Opening day of Baseball. Two eggs any style with your choice of ham, bacon, or sausage with potatoes and toast. The Colbert Report. Betting on Baseball. Fantasy baseball or football. Hot Wings and Pitchers.
6- NBA JAM Tournament Edition. The Olympics. Seinfeld repeats. Budweiser. Trampolines. Spaghetti. The dollar menu - and the influx of dollar priced fast food it has spawned. Texas Hold’em. The designated hitter. Cash. Charles Barkley. Ballpark food.
5- A plain sandwich. Natural Light. Salsa-less tortilla chips. The Honda Accord. “Classic Rock” radio. Scratch offs. Ice or water. Mets, Marlins, Vikings, or Chiefs fans. Minor league sports.
4- Men who wear hair product. Good movies on cable with commercials and edited profanity. Mowing the lawn. Beaster. News about Brett Favre. Hitting on a girl taller than you. Charlotte Bobcats Basketball games.
3- Stomp: The Musical and its counterparts. A concert by that band who sings “Sex and Candy,” or a concert by the band who sings “Would you still call me Superman,” or whatever the fuck it’s called. Emo’s. People under twenty five who talk about “the global markeplace.” Men who don’t talk about sports. Smalls from The Sandlot. Mark Cuban if not working on a computer. Manu Ginobili and the whole flopping in sports dilemma. Straight to video movies not featuring Steven Seagul. Having Rex Grossman as your quarterback. Reality TV Contests. Above ground pools. Having your team lose in the playoffs. Verne Troyer.
2- Soundtracks with dialogue in between songs (i.e. “Secret Garden” by Bruce Springsteen off the Jerry Maguire Soundtrack.) Using LOL as common vernacular. Dane Cook. Being Stefan and turning into Urkel. Serious grinders. Men who tan. Any host of ESPN’s “First and Ten.” Douche bags with hot chicks. Frosted Tips. Not fulfilling a woman the first time (“So do you want to do it again?” -Girl “Yeah, sorry, give me like five to ten minutes..”-me) Having your team miss the playoffs. Alex Rodriguez. Things you like, breaking. Any professional athlete who demands a new contract.
1- Being on the receiving end of a JP Losman sexually transmitted disease. Jonathon Papelbon. This situation: Being locked in a gym with an eight ball inspired Mike Tyson after he watched you bang his girlfriend, or vice versa. Four Super Bowls, Zero Wins.