Sexual Tension in the Workplace

Well college grads, it looks like it’s about that time in our lives. That Four Year Party they call “college” has run out of beer and it’s time for us to leave the bar (with some pussy obviously). So now we’re all living at home, smoking a shit ton of weed, listening to MGMT, eating chicken tenders, and banging high school chicks like its 2001 all over again (pre-9/11). Drink it in, my friends – literally – because it won’t last forever. Those cockslaps they call “jobs” are right around the corner.

Now personally, I’m not too worried about the transition to the workforce. I’ll be so high all the time I won’t even know I’m there. But there is one thing I’m worried about, and that’s the pussy. No, I’m not concerned about whether or not I’m gonna get any, fuck you for even suggesting I won’t spread my shit all OVER the fucking cubicles, I’m simply unsure about the proper workplace etiquette when it comes to laying my nut down. In The Office, for example, they make Pam and Jim sign some kind of a contract when they start fucking, and we know this is out of the question (after all I’m an environmentalist and don’t wanna be chopping down the trees they’ll need to print the PLETHORA of contracts I’ll be signing to facilitate my nut).

So what to do? Luckily, while watching the show I turn to for answers to all of life’s problems – Entourage – I came across an answer. Allow me to set the scene: Vince and E had just met their SMOKING hot new agent Amanda for drinks at some sick-looking L.A. establishment to discuss a script Amanda had given Vince. While Vince had initially approved of the script, he now tells Amanda that he didn’t like it. “Why weren’t you honest with me earlier?” Amanda asked Vince. “Because you were so cute” when you pitched us the script, Vince responded, and “it’s hard to say no” to you when you look “so cute”, etc., Vince said. Amanda was obviously disappointed at Vince’s change of heart, and the meeting ended tensely.

Later on, when the boys were chilling at the nasty pad they had bought a few episodes earlier, E asked Vince about whether or not he wanted to fuck Amanda. Vince gave some answer like “she’s my agent” and it’d be “unprofessional” to fuck her or some shit like that, but even though his answer was a “no”, I’ve come to know the sly little Vince well enough over the years to think that he really meant “yes”. Then, right at that moment, right as they were talking about her, who else but Amanda calls Vince on his cell:

AMANDA (calling from car): Vince, do you want to fuck me?
VINCE (confused): Uh, I, uh, what?
AMANDA: Do you want to fuck me?
VINCE (baffled): Uh, I, uh, NO, I mean … you’re my agent.
AMANDA: No?
VINCE (bewildered): Well … I mean, yea, uh, sure, well, I, uh … maybe.
AMANDA: Vince, I hate sexual tension. It’s bad for business. It’s usually better just to get it out of the way.
VINCE (bemused): Well what do you suggest we do?
AMANDA: Well, I think we should fuck each other’s brains out, and never talk about it again.
VINCE (vulnerably happy): Uh, yeah, uh … that could work.
AMANDA: Great. Say my place, 20 minutes?
VINCE: Sounds good.

Tension shmension, mother fuckers. As seen here, be a pimp and shit will be alright. Let’s apply the Vincent Chase Tactic to a situation in a typical office setting:

HOT BOSS: Theriot, where’s that report I told you to put on my desk?
ME: Well, I think we should fuck each other’s brains out, and never talk about it again.
HOT BOSS: Yeah, that could work.
ME: My cubicle, five minutes.
HOT BOSS: Sounds good.

Will work and pussy mix? Like a fine cocktail, my friends. Like a fine cocktail.


- Theriot